Wednesday, August 20, 2014

I've been remiss

Barnes & Nobel in Fairbanks, AK.
I have neglected these blogs, and I had such plans for them.  Ideally at some point sprucing this up with a better structure, making an actual website with subpages and all.  Sigh, but life gets in the way.  The entire summer has gone by and I feel like I haven't even had a second to breath.  Must have seeing as I am here still.  A week long vacation for our anniversary (7 years), family emergencies on Cook's side, a good and long time friend of Cook came up because of his own family emergency (met his SIL who I very much like) .  All of these things eating and eating away at our time.  During this of course is working on the house and furthering things along, getting a little closer each time to our ultimate goal for this house.

I do hope that things will calm down a bit.  Pretty certain I can't keep up this pace for long.  Plus, some major changes will be happening in a year, and I must prepare for that.  In the mean time I will build up my post-apocalyptic skills (knitting, crochet, weaving, sewing)

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Becoming Ready

This morning I got the Christmas tree from the crawl space.  It's containers put up a heroic fight but I managed to push and shove those containers up onto the floor above.  Set up was easy and smooth, the lights and ornaments will wait until Monte is home.  In one of the boxes was some green garlands with lights.  Taking one I strung it up above the big window in the library.  Stepping back I checked my work, found it lovely and beautiful.  I then sobbed.

I was not ready.

About 4 and half years back, a bit longer actually, my life changed forever.  It was a Thursday, mid-afternoon, when the call had come.  I had previously spent most of the day emailing back and forth with my mother about working a big camping trip around Monte's slope schedual.  Thirteen hours after that phone call, my mother was dead.  The weeks and months are partially blank.  I had conversations during that time that I have no recollections of, none, I know they have happened because I've been told they have.

For the first month I simply existed, nothing more.  Going about my day, doing stuff, but mostly impatiently waiting for the next moment to come.  Then the one after that, and after that one, and so on.  Waiting for some indefinite point of time, for something I knew not what to happen.  I did not really grieve even.  It seemed that I had to pick a fight with Monte, about a week after he had come home, for me to even have a good cry.

Still not ready.

The death of my mother brought more changes then just her absence and my father and mine's pain.  She had a life insurance policy that paid out to my father and I.  Six months after her death Monte and I moved into our new home.  These two major life changes happening so close togeather did something to me that I had not expected.  I was afraid of everything.  A buzzing sound would put me on the verge of fleeing, bee, fly, skeeter, it did not matter.  I hardly slept when Monte was gone, and when I did it was with the lights on.  Every sound at night would convince me that someone was trying to break in.  Problems that cropped up with the house would send me into a panic.  I was fearful to the point of being phobic, this lasted for about 2 years.

My mother's favorite holiday is Christmas.  At least it always seemed that way, I don't think I ever had a conversation on that topic with her so I am guessing.  Either way, Christamas was important to her.  She insisted that the tree would be up right after Thanksgiving, as soon as she could.  Daddy and I would get poopooed if we dragged our feet on putting up the ornaments.  (In my defense, she was picky about placement) The holidays that first year after her death were a bit tough for me.  Monte was gone for Holloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas (just the way his schedual fell).  My father went to Puerto Rico with a friend of his for about a month over Christmas.  I was alone, dealing with my phobic self, uncertain of what to do and what I wanted.

Grief

My hands have scars and imperfections all over them.  Tiny pale scars and faint imperfections, not even noticable until one looks close.  Many of the blemmishes, I have no idea why they are there, what caused them.  Some I do know, one on the knuckle from slamming them into a wall (accidentally), one on the pinky from shaving (don't ask), a perment dip in my left pointer finger between two joints (from keeping tension on the yarn), a callous on my other hand, the finger next to my pinky (I use this finger for pivot and pressure on the hook or needle I am using).  I could go on.  My hands have so many stories to tell.  So does my heart.

A loss like this, it leaves something on you, forever marking.  In a way, her death is always there.  So many things to say, so many experiences to share.  So many things that won't be said, experience that won't be shared.  She'll never get to help me decorate my house.  I'll never get to run ideas past her again.  She'll never get to see Castle and Becket kiss, and I'll never get to hear her complain bitterly about Agent David leaving NCIS.  So many things.  Then there are the reminders.  Flower pots in the shape of tea cup and saucer (she collected miniture tea sets).  Little ladybug dodads.

I'm ready, finally.

Last night Monte and I were talking about the coming hitch down.  He will be down for both Christmas and New Years.  We discussed the things we would be doing, what dishes to take for Christmas dinner, what to make for the Magic tournament, so on.  Planning, but mostly just talking.  We hung up and I continued reading an article about holiday traditions.  That's when I realized something.  I am now ready.  I am ready for Chritmas.  In the past I had tried but never felt the joy and beauty of the holiday.  Now I do, now I want it, now I'm ready.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

An Education, Again...

The Books
The Books

Blog posts need pictures and I've been adding some as I get them, I'm not much of a photographer. Unfortunalty, Blogger's post form doesn't handle pictures all that well. It presumes you're going to place the pictures one below the other and that is good enough for it. That is not good enough for me. As such I am finding that I need to go and fiddle with html. It's been a while, years, perhaps even five or six years. At some point in those years I think I gave away the beginners book to html I had.

So I suppose I will need to get a new one, or find some equivalent on the web. Same will be true with css and maybe even java script. I'm not certain on that last, I will learn what ever I find myself needing to learn. It is what I do, along with Managing. Something new comes up and I research and learn. In the past it has been knitting, cooking, preserving, building, and some none basic car maintenance. Now it is website building. Next, who knows. I enjoy it, no, love it. Learning new things is like magic. A new level of understanding, a new world to play in.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Coming Together

Things are coming together, fitting in more closely, even the details.  Now it is more a matter of wait and see.  Does this work or that?  Too fussy or not enough pretty?  Content as well, which I am slowly adding as I think of it.  I do have ideas but I won't say what they are incase they don't work out.  Plus, I do have other projects I am working on, like an edging for an afghan that just seems to go forever.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Beginnings

I have spent some time set this all up but it is beginning to come together.  More is to come but this is good and workable.  Mobile doesn't work the way I wish but I can't win them all.  Perhaps in time I will make it work.

Next few addition to the Den will be a Gaming Lounge and a Craft Workroom.